They Give You Contentious Looks or Aggressive Body Language

Dom has the iciest glare I have ever seen on any human being. At times he would sit on the sofa look over at me (even though I hadn’t said anything) and have this look on his face that would make the hair stand up on the back on my neck. When he wasn’t freaking me out with looks like he wanted to kill me he would sit straight ahead and watch the Television without so much as saying a word to me. He would also have a cushion between us, and I felt like my mere presence was disgusting to him, he said the cushion was just a comfort thing, but I could tell he hated me in some way.

As far as body language, if I asked him to repeat himself for any reason (he would mumble all of the time…usually about me…) he would get really close to my face and say things like “If you cared at all about what I was saying, you would have heard me the first time!” He stood so close I had to take a step back up, and sometimes that was into a wall.

After I had managed to step aside I would see a sick smirk on his face. My discomfort was such joy to him. His words said that he loved me, but his words and gestures suggested the exact opposite.

I explained this to a married friend one day. Sure her marriage was not perfect, they had arguments (not dysfunctional ones) and they got on each other's nerves, so I asked her if this was anything that she ever experienced in her marriage. She put her hand over mine and said “Honey I am concerned, the way you describe his behaviour is just plain creepy.” At the time I would make up excuses like “Oh he is just moody, but now I see she was so right.

He Shames You Because He Thinks He is Always Right

The only time Dom would admit he was wrong is after all failed attempts to initiate the honeymoon period. Of course, this was just to build me up to tear me down. How I wish I would have seen that way back then! Most of the time he would not even admit to arguing with me, he just accused me of being crazy and would turn it all around on me and said I started it and he didn't know how to handle it, he was merely trying to teach me something, or making a point that I refused to listen to. He said it was I who was unfair. 

If I ever told him he was wrong he would get even angrier and use his most cruel version of verbal abuse. He would talk about me be a terrible mother. Of course, I know now that nothing could be further from the truth. Most times, it was easier to tell him he was right and to look at the floor. I felt so defeated when I just didn't have it in me to defend myself anymore. 

Once he felt victorious he would be angry for a while and we would sit in silence. Then he would cheer up, but he would remind me for the next day or two and that he was right. I would agree and continuously apologize. I could feel myself getting closer and closer to a mental abyss, and I could not shrink small enough. I knew I was right, but couldn't mention it. In order not to disagree with him, I would turn the shame inward. It was really toxic but I had no choice. 

I think what hurt the most he that he would quote Bible scripture and tell me that God says to obey my husband. I am a Christian and so because it does say this I would try to find a way to do this. Today I have a different view. I believe that God doesn't like to see divorce, but I am convinced that He absolutely hates abuse. 

Whatever your spiritual beliefs are, emotional abuse is wrong. Abuse like this leaves no physical scars, it is very hard to prove to a court, and the abuser turns every situation and everyone against you. BUT, you know it is wrong, you know deserve free will like everyone else, and you deserve to be loved. Men like this are worse for you than drinking poison. If you haven't left yet please make a safe plan to do so. 

They belittle and trivialize you, your accomplishments, or your hopes and dreams.

Hello dear ones, thank you for meeting me back here on this page to read about my experience with an emotionally abusive husband. It has been three weeks and two days since I left, and it is bittersweet.
I still have times when I break down crying for what might have been if he had been genuine in love, and in my life. I am also finding freedom from so many things that left scars. The topic I am going to share with you today is one of those scars. 

Before I met Dom, many many years ago I was a young woman with the world at her feet. I had graduated high school with good grades and was overjoyed that I was accepted into the university of my choice. For six long years, I worked very hard at earning a masters degree in business administration. I had dreams of being an owner of a local bookshop and connecting with my community through my love of books. 

The year that I graduated is when I met him. We fell in love quickly and were married in under a year.He convinced me to take a year off after all of my hard work, and since he was ten years my senior he already had a business up and running and was more than able to take care of me. I agreed and loved him more for his willingness to let me be prepared before jumping into the business world. After the ring was on my finger the emotional abuse began.

He had not obtained a degree and had started a business without one. I was put down for spending all of that money and was told that I must be pretty stupid for needing a degree to do what he had already done. His famous line was "If you think that in this economy you can start a bookstore all by yourself, then you need a check up from the neck up." He broke my confidence and I never did open the little shop of my dreams. 

Over time I began to feel stupid for having those dreams, and my confidence in myself was completely shattered. He knew this and this is when he started to correct me often, and he treated me like his child rather than his wife. This was his successful attempt to break me down and wear me like a shoe. 

He made fun of me to his family for my needing such an expensive education, any comments or suggestions that I made that contradicted his personal opinion were dismissed as ridiculous. I began to feel as though he resented me for having to support me because he reminded me that I should be grateful for his income very often. 

For fifteen years I felt like an unloved pet, and I was always crying and shaking. I wanted to make myself as small as possible to escape his control, teasing, bullying, and all kinds of other emotional abuse.

If you find yourself in a similar situation, or if any of this rings true to you please get out as soon as you can. If you are already gone then have no contact with him. Even if you have children there are people in your life, or in your community that are willing to communicate for the benefit of the children. You do not have to endure any more of this.

They Try to Control Your Finances and Your Money

He had to know every cent that was spent, and he expected me to keep receipts too. If I spent money on anything without permission a verbal attack would follow.

He would remind me often of how much it cost to feed me, and said I should eat cheaper food when I was already eating the store brand. He reminded me to cut back on everything I could think of often. 

I cut my own hair, and his. I went to the food bank because he said I should be eating out of there. I felt so bad because we could afford to buy groceries, but Dom had no conscience about taking from the less fortunate. I could never tell anyone about this of course because he wanted to be Mr. Popularity in the community. The only other person that knew was his mother. He told her this to make it sound like we were destitute. Like any mom she starting sending food home with him when we would visit weekly. It was shameful.

I had to know my bank balance and be able to report it and prove it to him whenever he requested. I felt like the garbage he told me I was. 

Please! Dear ones it doesn't get better it only gets worse. After being on an emotional rollercoaster 
since I ended the relationship 15 days ago I came to the realization that emotional abusers are incapable of love. It was all about power, control, and manipulation for him. For a while, I considered couples counseling, but these abusers need a lot more help than that, and they will never admit that they do because they turn everything around on us, or at the very least expect us to share the blame for self-defense after one of their attacks. If I stayed or went back it just would have gotten worse to the point of him making me mentally ill. He's just not worth my sanity, and my kids deserve better!

You Feel Like You Need Permission to Make Decisions

Every single decision I a made I felt like I needed to ask Dom first if I could. This isn't really making a decision at all, but I was blind to that at the time. I had to ask if I could buy certain foods, a glass of wine at a restaurant with my own money, or to go somewhere without him while he was at work. 

A memory that really stands out for me is one night in particular. He told me to get out, so I packed my bag and I left with nowhere to go. There is a restaurant down the street and since I had not eaten I thought I would sit down and have a meal before going to a shelter for women. During that meal he called my cell phone, used his fake charm and said that he wanted me to come back, and that he was actually shocked that I wasn't standing in the driveway waiting for me to come out and retrieve me. (This is laughable to me now.What an ego!) 
When I got in the door and unpacked he then accused me of eating at the restaurant in order to flirt with the waiters that were working there that night. I felt like a fool for being tricked again by his lies to be civil and loving.

If I did go out in his absence out of necessity I felt the need to report it to him as soon as he came home from work. If he asked me where I wanted to go out to for a coffee, I knew better than to make the decision because later I would be acused of selfishness for not considering where he wanted to go first. I always replied " whereever you want to go is fine honey, I really have no preferece." 

During my entire relationship with Dom I was at my breaking point, just one step away from a nervous breakdown and I thought it was only a matter of time. 

Please dear one, if you feel like this leave as soon as you can. Please learn from my pain, and do not repeat the mistakes I have made. God Bless You. 

They Correct or Chastise You for Your Behavior

I was told once that I should be ashamed of myself for leaving a bowl in the sink. I had clearly broken a rule of the house. There were so many rules that there is no way I could remember them unless I wrote them all down. Everything I did and said was monitored very closely. 

There were the chores of course, but there were words I wasn't allowed to use either. I referred to a girl in high school that called me a bitch and was heavily admonished for using this word. He called me a bitch all of the time, but there was another set of rules used just for me. I wasn't a person in his eyes, I was a source of ego and power supply seen as a two-dimensional cardboard cutout. 

I wasn't allowed to have messy hair, have chipped nail polish (he would call this skanky nails) or wear red lipstick. He would also always tell me what jacket to wear when we went out. 

If I neglected to follow ANY of these rules, I would be called horrible names, told I was no good and would never find anyone else but him to put up with me, crazy, ungrateful, and the list goes on. 

If I read a book or watched a show and laughed or commented it I would be told that I was misinterpreting its meaning. He called this gentle reproof. 

I am at ground zero building my self-esteem from the rubble that remains. Chastising and constant correction is just one facet of emotional and verbal abuse. There are more. This is just one subject. I am sure I could write a book on my experience but it would have to go somewhere in the horror section of the store. 

Please dear one, leave if you find yourself in a relationship like this. Your other will just continue to chip away at your self-esteem until you either escape, commit suicide, or leave you entirely once he or she has broken you into pieces. 

They Try to Control You and Treat You Like a Child

Wow! Where do I start with this one? Well Dom has treated me like a child since very early on in the relationship. He would not ask, butt tell me to do things. "Roll me a cigarette", "Haul these heavy groceries up the steps, I have had a long day.", "Don't talk at the dinner table" etc... He would also tell me when I should wash my hands, what to order off of the menu at restaurants, and I felt like a frightened child at all times. When he would come home from work I would visibly shake, and he would never ask why. He knew I was afraid of him. He decided when it was time to study the Bible, what to watch on TV, no stand up comedy, or nature videos was allowed because he didn't like them. When it was late and time to put my night gown on, he would tell me whether or not to take a sleeping pill depending on if he wanted to have sex that night or not. 
It has been 10 days, and yes I miss him sometimes when I read what I just wrote I have no idea why my . I ashamed to say that actually feel hatred at this very moment. I am 40 years old, and I was being treated like I was a little girl.. I actually have pressure in my chest because the whole memory of it makes me sick. Sorry if this entry feels like me going on a mad venting trip. 
Now that I am single, I make my own decisions and it is so liberating. I feel freedom again at times when I am not still depressed from the whole abusive ordeal. Are you in a relationship like this one? If so, let me tell you this. God did not put you on this earth to be treated like a slave to a control freak. Men have died for our freedom in wars, and you are throwing yours out the window. I know you are scared, but would you rather spend the next month, year, decade in that hellish environment? I would rather live a  battered spouses center where they can counsel you, make you feel like you deserve to be loved and respected (because you likely do not believe that right now) and help you find an apartment so that you can start a whole new life for yourself. The very next chance you get RUN! You will never get your past back but don't waste another day with him/her. That is my advice dear ones, never a judgement. I have been there and I know what you are up against. 

They Say You are Too Sensitive to Deflect Their Negative Remarks

Hello dear ones, thank you for meeting me here again on this page. My hope is to spread awareness, share my story, and start the healing process my you and me. 

Dom would always say that I am way too sensitive or too emotional. After verbally abusing me to the point of my sobbing, he would look at me like he hated me. He would make fun of me for crying, or say "go cry in the other room" but I wouldn't because I couldn't move. I was in in too much emotional pain. The reason he would yell at me like this in the first place would be over the dumbest things imaginable. One time it was that I didn't make the ice cubes properly and that every cube was to be the exact same size. The water wasn't level in the ice cube tray so this made him furious. I would eventually calm down after he was finished yelling and began giving me the silent treatment again though I dared not say a word for fear that it would be offensive to him. I knew this wasn't right, but I thought he needed treatment for OCD if ice cubes mattered to him, and like a good signigicant other I was going to discuss this with him when he was calmer and go through every step and stage of the treatment with him. When the day came that I thought I could talk to him about it, it was about a week later. I told him I would support him, love him through any treatment, and hold his hand through therapist appointments. That is when he said "Wow you took that all wrong, when I was talking about ice it was merely a suggestion, it's not like I was really that upset or anything." Though I couldn't express it, I was furious. He put me through hell and now he was downplaying the abuse he inflicted on me. He then hugged me and said "Oh sweetie, you are just so sensitive, it's okay I will help you get better." He was making it seem like I was crazy, and had misinterpreted the entire thing, though I remembered that night vividly. He called me some profane names, raised his voice that night, and said that I was stupid for not knowing how to make ice cubes properly. 
Like an abused dog, I cowered away and said nothing. There was no point. I felt defeated. I didn't know it at the time but what he was doing is called "blame shifting" and "crazy making". 
Emotional abusers love to make you feel like you are crazy, over sensitive, and confused. You start to doubt yourself after a while. You lose yourself in his cycle of abuse on you. 

Dear ones, you can't fix them, they will not change, and you may even get to the point in the relationship that you feel suicidal. These are dangerous people. The only things you can do is to plan your exit. It may take time, you may have to take baby steps, but nine days later I know it was was worth 

They Use Teasing or Sarcasm to Put You Down

I have one particular memory that will stay with me forever. I had just finished washing the dishes after dinner when suddenly Dom turned to me and said "You forgot a spoon on the stove! Dishes do not wash themselves!" I told him to bugger off and that I had not meant to leave it there anyway. I should have known not to talk back that night. He told me I was out of control and attempted to call his brother. (Abusers are famous for trying to involve a third party to make you look just awful and they receive a very bias side of the story.) His brother was not home, but his 19 year old nephew Johnathan was there. Dom made it seem as though I was an out of control raving lunatic about him "just mentioning that there was still a spoon to wash." Naturally Jonathan was shocked by this story and when I decided to stick up for myself in the background, he used that as an example of how I was out of control. Although he would beg me never to leave he said "her ass can hit the road." He then started to make fun of me because I was crying by this point. He said I was emotionally unstable, he mentioned my autistic children implying that because I was so emotional I was a good mother. Dom thought his comments were quite amusing, and the teasing went on for hours in a sarcastic manner. He also mentioned that because I come from a poor neighborhood that I was "ghetto" and being the rich spoiled brat that Johnathan is he began laughing too. I know this because Dom put him on speakerphone so I could hear them both laughing at me. This is the type of behavior that if you are in an emotionally abusive relationship you will experience. They love to humiliate and make you feel small. This is the stage when they are at their worst, the very cruel stage before the false apologies, and I will change lies come out of their mouth. This happened back in February and I think about the pain it caused me almost everyday. Dear ones, if you are in a relationship like this please leave. Make a plan, save some money, or call a women's shelter and go. It will not get better and though they say they will change, and you do want to believe them because you have put all of your heart and soul into the relationship it is a facade. They are merely building you up so they have the sick pleasure of tearing you down again. Now that I am out of the relationship (it has been 8 days and I am hurting very badly) I have been researching emotional abusers and they are all the same! No one deserves to be run into the ground they way he did to me that night, and on many other occasions also. You deserve better! I am only starting to see this now, and my new found freedom makes me happy in between the tears of betrayal I feel. I am hoping to save someone else from this kind of pain, or to let you know that the longer you are in a relationship with these people they will not change. They don't love you, they are merely pretending that they do to feed a very sick ego. Goodnight lovelies, and please take care of yourself. 

They Put You Down in Front of Others

Dom (my now ex) and I were months into our relationship and he had never humiliated me in front of other people before. He did that only in private, but one night during an argument I decided to grab the keys and go for a ride. I had enough of him putting me down and I was out the door for a break from him. Suddenly he ran to the neighbors door and said "She took my keys to the car!" Needless to say I was so embarrassed. It was 11pm, he has woken her up and she stood there not knowing what to say. You think he would have turned around at this point realizing he had made a complete idiot of himself, but he went on to tell her that I was acting stupid all night long,  and could she please do something to calm her down?

I was furious! She came into our house with us and said "What is going on guys?" He told her he was sick of me, I was a bad housekeeper, and I did nothing all day.

As he stood there waiting for her to feel sorry for him or something like pity her jaw dropped. She whispered to me that if I ever needed anything at all that she was right next door and left blushing with embarrassment. 

This my friends is one incident of many, however, usually it is in front of his family who say nothing, look the other way, or are just like him towards their wives. It is an invisable scar I carry and every time the neighbor I think of that night. Why I am the one who feels ashamed? Well, he said I provoked it all, and I had been beaten down so badly mentally by then that I believed him. 

These guys are addicted to toxic shame, and if their is an audience that they think will valiate him and make you feel more ashamed. They will do it.

The Day I Realized I Was Being Abused

 It was so difficult  to say the words “emotionally abusive” having it refer to something I personally was experiencing. It was a bittersweet to have answered how was was possible that someone I loved could make me feel so terrible. This was a trauma that involved insinuating that I was always at fault for any problems in our relationship. To this day I don’t know how I allowed myself to get so attached to him the way that I did. But sometimes when you fall in love with someone, your common sense goes out the window to a point where you’re not thinking straight. 
I was writing in my journal one night when it hit me like a boulder. "He's abusing me!" I sat there stunned for a good five minutes. I had a good cry, and then doubted if I was right about what I already knew. Thankfully, he wasn't home at the time. After pacing around the apartment I decided to make a list of the evidence. The original plan was to tear it up afterwords, but I just had to see it on paper. I decided not to tear it up after all and hide it at the bottom of the maxi pad box. I began to look into emotional abuse online, and there was a list of which he was guilty of almost everything on it. This is the list:

If you aren’t sure what constitutes this damaging behavior, here are 30 signs of emotional abuse.

1. They humiliate you, put you down, or make fun of you in front of other people.

2. They regularly demean or disregard your opinions, ideas, suggestions, or needs.

3. They use sarcasm or “teasing” to put you down or make you feel bad about yourself.

4. They accuse you of being “too sensitive” in order to deflect their abusive remarks.

5. They try to control you and treat you like a child.

6. They correct or chastise you for your behavior.

7. You feel like you need permission to make decisions or go out somewhere.

8. They try to control the finances and how you spend money.

9. They belittle and trivialize you, your accomplishments, or your hopes and dreams.

10. They try to make you feel as though they are always right, and you are wrong.

11. They give you disapproving or contemptuous looks or body language.

12. They regularly point out your flaws, mistakes, or shortcomings

13. They accuse or blame you of things you know aren’t true.

14. They have an inability to laugh at themselves and can’t tolerate others laughing at them.

15. They are intolerant of any seeming lack of respect.

16. They make excuses for their behavior, try to blame others, and have difficulty apologizing.

17. The repeatedly cross your boundaries and ignore your requests.

18. They blame you for their problems, life difficulties, or unhappiness.

19. They call you names, give you unpleasant labels, or make cutting remarks under their breath.

20. They are emotionally distant or emotionally unavailable most of the time.

21. They resort to pouting or withdrawal to get attention or attain what they want.

22. They don’t show you empathy or compassion.

23. They play the victim and try to deflect blame to you rather than taking personal responsibility.

24. They disengage or use neglect or abandonment to punish or frighten you.

25. They don’t seem to notice or care about your feelings.

26. They view you as an extension of themselves rather than as an individual.

27. They withhold sex as a way to manipulate and control.

28. They share personal information about you with others.

29. They invalidate or deny their emotionally abusive behavior when confronted.

30. They make subtle threats or negative remarks with the intent to frighten or control you.

I have decided to write this blog dear ones for my healing and for yours. I plan to go through each things on the list and relate my story.  God Bless You All!

Violet