They Say You are Too Sensitive to Deflect Their Negative Remarks

Hello dear ones, thank you for meeting me here again on this page. My hope is to spread awareness, share my story, and start the healing process my you and me. 

Dom would always say that I am way too sensitive or too emotional. After verbally abusing me to the point of my sobbing, he would look at me like he hated me. He would make fun of me for crying, or say "go cry in the other room" but I wouldn't because I couldn't move. I was in in too much emotional pain. The reason he would yell at me like this in the first place would be over the dumbest things imaginable. One time it was that I didn't make the ice cubes properly and that every cube was to be the exact same size. The water wasn't level in the ice cube tray so this made him furious. I would eventually calm down after he was finished yelling and began giving me the silent treatment again though I dared not say a word for fear that it would be offensive to him. I knew this wasn't right, but I thought he needed treatment for OCD if ice cubes mattered to him, and like a good signigicant other I was going to discuss this with him when he was calmer and go through every step and stage of the treatment with him. When the day came that I thought I could talk to him about it, it was about a week later. I told him I would support him, love him through any treatment, and hold his hand through therapist appointments. That is when he said "Wow you took that all wrong, when I was talking about ice it was merely a suggestion, it's not like I was really that upset or anything." Though I couldn't express it, I was furious. He put me through hell and now he was downplaying the abuse he inflicted on me. He then hugged me and said "Oh sweetie, you are just so sensitive, it's okay I will help you get better." He was making it seem like I was crazy, and had misinterpreted the entire thing, though I remembered that night vividly. He called me some profane names, raised his voice that night, and said that I was stupid for not knowing how to make ice cubes properly. 
Like an abused dog, I cowered away and said nothing. There was no point. I felt defeated. I didn't know it at the time but what he was doing is called "blame shifting" and "crazy making". 
Emotional abusers love to make you feel like you are crazy, over sensitive, and confused. You start to doubt yourself after a while. You lose yourself in his cycle of abuse on you. 

Dear ones, you can't fix them, they will not change, and you may even get to the point in the relationship that you feel suicidal. These are dangerous people. The only things you can do is to plan your exit. It may take time, you may have to take baby steps, but nine days later I know it was was worth 

They Use Teasing or Sarcasm to Put You Down

I have one particular memory that will stay with me forever. I had just finished washing the dishes after dinner when suddenly Dom turned to me and said "You forgot a spoon on the stove! Dishes do not wash themselves!" I told him to bugger off and that I had not meant to leave it there anyway. I should have known not to talk back that night. He told me I was out of control and attempted to call his brother. (Abusers are famous for trying to involve a third party to make you look just awful and they receive a very bias side of the story.) His brother was not home, but his 19 year old nephew Johnathan was there. Dom made it seem as though I was an out of control raving lunatic about him "just mentioning that there was still a spoon to wash." Naturally Jonathan was shocked by this story and when I decided to stick up for myself in the background, he used that as an example of how I was out of control. Although he would beg me never to leave he said "her ass can hit the road." He then started to make fun of me because I was crying by this point. He said I was emotionally unstable, he mentioned my autistic children implying that because I was so emotional I was a good mother. Dom thought his comments were quite amusing, and the teasing went on for hours in a sarcastic manner. He also mentioned that because I come from a poor neighborhood that I was "ghetto" and being the rich spoiled brat that Johnathan is he began laughing too. I know this because Dom put him on speakerphone so I could hear them both laughing at me. This is the type of behavior that if you are in an emotionally abusive relationship you will experience. They love to humiliate and make you feel small. This is the stage when they are at their worst, the very cruel stage before the false apologies, and I will change lies come out of their mouth. This happened back in February and I think about the pain it caused me almost everyday. Dear ones, if you are in a relationship like this please leave. Make a plan, save some money, or call a women's shelter and go. It will not get better and though they say they will change, and you do want to believe them because you have put all of your heart and soul into the relationship it is a facade. They are merely building you up so they have the sick pleasure of tearing you down again. Now that I am out of the relationship (it has been 8 days and I am hurting very badly) I have been researching emotional abusers and they are all the same! No one deserves to be run into the ground they way he did to me that night, and on many other occasions also. You deserve better! I am only starting to see this now, and my new found freedom makes me happy in between the tears of betrayal I feel. I am hoping to save someone else from this kind of pain, or to let you know that the longer you are in a relationship with these people they will not change. They don't love you, they are merely pretending that they do to feed a very sick ego. Goodnight lovelies, and please take care of yourself. 

They Put You Down in Front of Others

Dom (my now ex) and I were months into our relationship and he had never humiliated me in front of other people before. He did that only in private, but one night during an argument I decided to grab the keys and go for a ride. I had enough of him putting me down and I was out the door for a break from him. Suddenly he ran to the neighbors door and said "She took my keys to the car!" Needless to say I was so embarrassed. It was 11pm, he has woken her up and she stood there not knowing what to say. You think he would have turned around at this point realizing he had made a complete idiot of himself, but he went on to tell her that I was acting stupid all night long,  and could she please do something to calm her down?

I was furious! She came into our house with us and said "What is going on guys?" He told her he was sick of me, I was a bad housekeeper, and I did nothing all day.

As he stood there waiting for her to feel sorry for him or something like pity her jaw dropped. She whispered to me that if I ever needed anything at all that she was right next door and left blushing with embarrassment. 

This my friends is one incident of many, however, usually it is in front of his family who say nothing, look the other way, or are just like him towards their wives. It is an invisable scar I carry and every time the neighbor I think of that night. Why I am the one who feels ashamed? Well, he said I provoked it all, and I had been beaten down so badly mentally by then that I believed him. 

These guys are addicted to toxic shame, and if their is an audience that they think will valiate him and make you feel more ashamed. They will do it.

The Day I Realized I Was Being Abused

 It was so difficult  to say the words “emotionally abusive” having it refer to something I personally was experiencing. It was a bittersweet to have answered how was was possible that someone I loved could make me feel so terrible. This was a trauma that involved insinuating that I was always at fault for any problems in our relationship. To this day I don’t know how I allowed myself to get so attached to him the way that I did. But sometimes when you fall in love with someone, your common sense goes out the window to a point where you’re not thinking straight. 
I was writing in my journal one night when it hit me like a boulder. "He's abusing me!" I sat there stunned for a good five minutes. I had a good cry, and then doubted if I was right about what I already knew. Thankfully, he wasn't home at the time. After pacing around the apartment I decided to make a list of the evidence. The original plan was to tear it up afterwords, but I just had to see it on paper. I decided not to tear it up after all and hide it at the bottom of the maxi pad box. I began to look into emotional abuse online, and there was a list of which he was guilty of almost everything on it. This is the list:

If you aren’t sure what constitutes this damaging behavior, here are 30 signs of emotional abuse.

1. They humiliate you, put you down, or make fun of you in front of other people.

2. They regularly demean or disregard your opinions, ideas, suggestions, or needs.

3. They use sarcasm or “teasing” to put you down or make you feel bad about yourself.

4. They accuse you of being “too sensitive” in order to deflect their abusive remarks.

5. They try to control you and treat you like a child.

6. They correct or chastise you for your behavior.

7. You feel like you need permission to make decisions or go out somewhere.

8. They try to control the finances and how you spend money.

9. They belittle and trivialize you, your accomplishments, or your hopes and dreams.

10. They try to make you feel as though they are always right, and you are wrong.

11. They give you disapproving or contemptuous looks or body language.

12. They regularly point out your flaws, mistakes, or shortcomings

13. They accuse or blame you of things you know aren’t true.

14. They have an inability to laugh at themselves and can’t tolerate others laughing at them.

15. They are intolerant of any seeming lack of respect.

16. They make excuses for their behavior, try to blame others, and have difficulty apologizing.

17. The repeatedly cross your boundaries and ignore your requests.

18. They blame you for their problems, life difficulties, or unhappiness.

19. They call you names, give you unpleasant labels, or make cutting remarks under their breath.

20. They are emotionally distant or emotionally unavailable most of the time.

21. They resort to pouting or withdrawal to get attention or attain what they want.

22. They don’t show you empathy or compassion.

23. They play the victim and try to deflect blame to you rather than taking personal responsibility.

24. They disengage or use neglect or abandonment to punish or frighten you.

25. They don’t seem to notice or care about your feelings.

26. They view you as an extension of themselves rather than as an individual.

27. They withhold sex as a way to manipulate and control.

28. They share personal information about you with others.

29. They invalidate or deny their emotionally abusive behavior when confronted.

30. They make subtle threats or negative remarks with the intent to frighten or control you.

I have decided to write this blog dear ones for my healing and for yours. I plan to go through each things on the list and relate my story.  God Bless You All!

Violet